i do love the whole ‘batkids all treat dick like he’s a slut’ but only when it’s ironically. i like dick grayson who is a bit of a prude and his siblings mock the fuck out of him for this by making out like he’s a complete manwhore. dick is… so tired.
dick: *steals tim’s toast* tim: you fucking whore. dick: dick: tim i have slept with three people in my life and i was in long term relationships with all of them. tim: tramp-core. dick: ??? - dick: *walks in a room* are we ready to go? damian: are you really going to go outside wearing that, grayson? you look like a trollop. dick: I’M WEARING A TURTLENECK. damian: and? dick, pointing miserably at jason: HE’S WEARING A CROP TOP! jason: and fucking slaying, your point? - tim, walking into jason’s apartment: hey jay, can i ask you someth- *notices dick* oh never mind. i’ll ask later. dick: ??? why can’t you ask in front of me? jason: is it similar to what you asked me about last week? tim: yeah. jason: ah. gotcha. we can talk later. dick: NO WHAT THE FUCK?! i’m your older brother too tim, whatever you want jason’s help with i can help with too! tim: tim, sarcastically: you know what? sure. tim: got any advice for your younger brother who wants to give his new boyfriend his first ever blowjob? dick: jason: *grinning wildly* dick: tim: i’m waiting. dick: jason: it’s alright, buddy. i gave damian the talk, i handled all of duke’s dating questions, i can take this too. dick: i’m going to leave now. tim: yeah i bet you are. dick: i’m going to pretend this conversation never happened. tim: uh-huh, you know where the door is, slut. dick: dick: hOW THE FUCK AM I-
The batfam just leave things around the manor like unsolved rubix cubes (the really big or weird shaped ones), or complex puzzles for tim because they know he will drop everything once he sees it to solve it.
Tim: *battling with a really hard puzzle box*
Jason: what is he doing?
Dick: oh i bought him the most difficult puzzle box i could find, he’s been at it for hours now
Tim: *swearing loudly at the box while tussling with it on the ground as he tries to solve it*
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 3
*wind whooshing* *grunting* *the sound of scraping against stone*
Dick: you have to be cheating somehow, you could never do that jump before!
Jason: how the fuck do you cheat at parkour?
Dick: *pause*
Dick: secret…. winches.
Jason, incredulous: secret winches?
Dick: secret winches. you got like- i dunno. stuff to help you up here.
Jason: *snorts* you’re a fucking idiot. i can do the jump because i got steroided by the lazarus pit and pokemon evolved three times the size of myself, dipshit.
Dick, humming: yeah, that must have been a culture shock.
Jason: well it was fucking something that’s for sure.
Dick: did you ever get like-, like when you woke up and you were just over six feet tall. did it fuck with your head?
Jason: like did i forget and run into doorframes a fuck ton-?
Dick: -yeah, like what was it like?
Jason: *hums consideringly*
Jason: kinda like. what i imagine the hulk had to go through. like i was just suddenly real big and real strong.
Dick: was it cool?
Jason: parts of it were cool, parts of it- *wheeze* parts of it were fucking fantastic.
Dick, very amused: ok now- wait hold on- don’t you give me that fucking look-
Jason: *laughing*
Dick: -alright. brother to brother, i feel like we’re close enough with each other to discuss this as mature adults. but i have to ask,
Jason, audibly grinning: -oh, i’m proportionate.
Dick: *bursts out laughing* that- that must have been fucking wild-
Jason: IT WAS- it was- *breathy laugh* it sure was something-!
Dick: how long after you came out the pit did you notice?
Jason: how long- dude, instantly!
Dick: *laughing*
Jason: i was out that pit like that fuckin’ tiktok audio, just ‘woah woah, wait, where my dick at?!’
Dick: *laughing louder*
Jason: just climbing out, barely conscious, in the back of my mind like 'did they tie a weight between my legs or something because this shit ain’t normal, why’s it heavy’
Dick, crying: why’s it heavy-!
Jason: i will say in all honesty i kinda forgot about it for a while.
Dick: how do you forget?
Jason: i dunno, just kinda doing my thing. mentally i was still like, fifteen, so as much as my cock did interest me, once Talia gave me a shiny sword i was like 'ooooh’ and instantly stopped thinking about it.
Dick: was there not any like, mechanical issues?
Jason: mechanical- like, did it work? yes, dude, it fuckin’ worked?
Dick: well i don’t know i just feel like- it’s probably like getting a new phone, right? like they’re all pretty similar but when you transfer over to a new model there’s an adjustment period?
Jason: OH- ok yeah, no, i get you. no there was definitely an- *slight wheeze* there was an adjustment period.
Dick: *starting to laugh* i don’t even know if i want to ask,
Jason: *wheeze* well it was- like i said i forgot for a while, right? so the first time i slept with somebody,
Dick: *cackling* no, littlewing what did you do?
Jason: no i think i just ruined the mood a little bit in the beginning, because like- like it was just as much a surprise to me as it was to her, right?
Dick: *cackling even louder*
Jason: so she was- *wheeze* she was fuckin’- *high pitched, breathy* she was below me as i got it out, and she went 'oh wow, it’s so big’, and my fuckin’ stupid ass was just- wide-eyed looking at it like 'jesus fucking christ it is isn’t it?!’
Dick, choking: i can’t- i’m fucking crying-
Jason: *half-silent wheezes*
Dick, slightly delirious: but didn’t you ever, like, try it out alone beforehand?!
Jason: WELL I-
Damian: OH MY FUCKING GOD. S T O P.
Jason and Dick: *cut off chokes*
Damian: MAY I FUCKING REMIND YOU, that BOTH i AND Batman are on this line tonight!
Jason, slightly muffled: *shocked laugh* oh my god, B-?
Damian: he’s been staring blankly into a gutter since Nightwing first mentioned genitalia.
Dick, high pitched through hitched breaths as Jason starts cackling in the background: yeah that’s- that’s our bad, B. Sorry about that.
I had a really bad migraine last night, but I’ve run out of everything except these hungarian pain killers my dad gave me 9 years ago, anyway I don’t remember anything and I can’t feel my tongue and the only thing in my search history is this
